A book I have been reading More then Two and other issues in my relationship with my “primary” partner has forced me to look my relationships and how I want them formed.
Something that I think is very dangerous and leads to a deadly trap for relationships, romantic or platonic, is a “need to get something out of the relationship”. I view a relationship as something on that is it’s own reward. Pulling peaces out of a couple of people to
get what you want” is disingenuous of the both the giver and receiver. You can’t take part of someone and expect them to fill some hole in your fabric ends up leading you both as a patchwork quilt. That quilt of a is never really whole and never really able to function for who ever has it for that time.
Part of any relationship is exploring your partners and growing. Being honest with your self and your partner is difficult. You need to figure out what you “want”. As my live-in partner said to me last night “we don’t have any clean answers”; we can’t have answers to the future. Life is messy and difficult and there are thousands of possible road to follow. The real journey of a relationship is not to be “better”, “grow”, or learn. The relationship is the journey, and there can be no destination. It’s possible to control how the journey winds through our life, but that will only work for so long. Eventually the strength of each partner will force the relationship back to what it really is.
I think it’s a good idea to self reflect and look at what form you want a relationship to take, but also being able to understand that the forms will change as life forces everyone in the relationship to change. A main focus is how to adjust to each relational change and how to incorporate it your life and relationships.